May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
