dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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