k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
