Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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