Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Fuck appropriateness.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
