So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
