he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
