It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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