textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
