sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
