I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
