She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize