1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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