i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
