I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
