you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He has the fingertips of a God
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