The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize