did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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