i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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