Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
