Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
