We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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