the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he thought i was a dude.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
