so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
