And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
