so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
