The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
We have so much sex to catch up on
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
