my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
