Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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