His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize