Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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