and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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