Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I look better un-naked...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize