it's too hot outside to masturbate.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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