i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
