I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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