Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Terrible idea I love it
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
