you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
