Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
