I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
