Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
