i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
