He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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