Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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