i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
