His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
