I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just saw a hot homeless man
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
