fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
