I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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