they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
