me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
