I just threw up on my dentist
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
