My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize