that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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