my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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