He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
