I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
whose parrot is this?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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