I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
