you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
