thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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