You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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