what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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